Single Parent Spotlight: Sophie

How old were your
children when you became a single parent, and how did this come about?

Age 7. Breakdown of relationship. Returned to the UK in
2005. (my son was born in Italy where I worked and lived since 1995)

What things have you
found hardest as a single parent?

Being solely financially responsible. (no maintenance
whatsoever). Not being able to work when child was ill, therefore not able to
earn. Finding a landlord who would accept a single parent on HB. Logistical
things really. Feeling sad my son doesn’t have a male role model, but I’ve
worked very hard at providing them in the form of mentors/teachers at school,
but interestingly not via any partners I’ve had…they’ve all been pretty
useless!!

What are the benefits
to parenting alone, in your opinion?

No power battles re: parenting opinions!

Have you faced any
negative judgements/stereotypes for being a single parent? If so can you share
with us what happened and how it made you feel?

Yes. Being judged for my more ‘mindful parenting’ style. My
son is very strong-willed, and not your ‘normal’ compliant child (ha! I know
there aren’t many, but of course some people’s kids are perfect, aren’t they?!).
Being actually judged by other single parents. Made me feel very alone, and
doubtful,  and angry! But stuck to my
guns and my son and I have a very open relationship now.

What sort of
relationship do you have with your ex, and how easy/difficult is it to maintain
for your child?

Civil. We can chat and have a laugh. They connect via
whatsapp and skype fairly regularly. (father lives in Italy). Whenever I’ve
been at the end of my tether, and called him for ‘help’, he has actually
contacted our son to repeat whatever concern I had at the time. I have no
problem If he wants to stay at our house, and it’s also fine if I stay at his
in Italy. This doesn’t happen often as I have to work, and I can’t afford the
flight for myself anyway.

How does your
child cope with contact?

When he was younger it was very painful to leave his dad at
the airport. Heartbreaking. His father didn’t treat him very kindly as these
points, probably because he also found it unbearable. All ok now, though my son
is still sad when they part.

Does he pay
maintenance? If so, how did you come to an agreement on the amount?

He should! But he doesn’t. He pays for flights to Italy
however

.

What’s your job, and
how many hours do you work per week?

Reflexologist, cleaner, carer for the elderly in their own
homes. Over 16 hours a week.

Who looks after your
child when you’re working? How do you feel about the current childcare
arrangements?

I’ve always worked within school hours. Had no one to look
after my son. I felt it was my role to be there for him after school.

How old were your
child/ren when you first went back to work? How easy was it to adjust back into
work?

I worked when my child was 3 months old. He was strapped to
my back while I cleaned out horse boxes, and breast fed when he required it. I
wanted to be out working in the fresh air and not be home alone all day with
just me and baby. It was good for him to be out in the open, with animals! I
adapted my working life as he grew. I trained as an English Language Teacher,
then later as a Reflexologist and PA (carer).

Have you ever felt
guilt by working? If so, why?

No, because I was always there when he finished school.

What’s your view on
Child /Working Tax Credits, and the cost of childcare?

I get both, but because I get WTC, I wasn’t eligible for
certain free things, which is stupid as I earn between £5/£8 k per annum.

What is your
work/home/social life like? Have you managed to find a good balance? If so,
how?

It’s balanced now, but there were times where it was just
work and home. Then as he got older I went out for a few hours on occasion
(when I felt he was ok to leave for a bit), to develop a social life for
myself. I never went out too far away from home, and called him when I was out to
check he was ok. Sadly, xbox was the babysitter for a while. I’d always discuss
with him if he was ok for me to go out, and to call me for any reason at all.

Are you dating again?
If so, how long did it take before you were ready to date again?

Yes, I dated quite quickly after the breakdown of the
relationship. It was a lonely and loveless 6 years, so I guess I was ready to
date soon after. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t as I admit to focusing more on
my new relationships at times.

What tips do you have
for other single parents wanting to meet someone?

Take it really slowly before your kids meet the new partner.
If the new partner doesn’t like that, then think hard before continuing the
relationship. Once they’ve met, the partner should not intrude, judge, take
over your job as a parent (unless you specifically want them too). If they
can’t respect your role as a parent, whether they agree with your
values/parenting style or not, then carefully consider if this person should be
part of your lives. They should only participate in parenting if you ask them
to. But remember it’s hard for them too, taking a back seat, especially for a
man. Grown up men are great, but rare!

What would your top 3
tips be to a newbie single parent?

1.Cherry pick the ‘advice’ people love to give. Stick to
your guns, but also be open to taking on a new perspective if it resonates with
you. We never stop learning.

2.Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Reach out! Online forums
are a great place to start and can help alleviate feelings of isolation.
Facebook have some great closed parenting groups too.

3.Be careful when allowing a partner to move in to your
household. Kids resent new partners. It tilts their world. Don’t rush it!! Your
kids are far more important.